Holiday Cheese 2018 Marathon Part II: Not Good Cheese

Cheesy movies have a low production value, usually subpar acting and the storylines have a ton of holes and therefore require viewers to suspend some of their realistic expectations. I like cheesy, b-level romance and this is my 2nd cheesy holiday romance movie marathon. The bar is set low, but the cheese level is high. On my scale, Good Cheese falls onto the So Good It’s Bad side of the scale and is obviously fun for me. Bad Cheese is not fun. Click here to read about 2018 Good Cheese.

Didn’t Finish

Homeless For the Holidays-This was a c-level production, crappy writing, terrible acting (Amazon)

A Christmas in New York- Stopped it 29 minutes in because it still felt they were setting up the stories of six couples in a NYC hotel. Good luck! (Amazon)

Home for Christmas- Stopped it 22 minutes in. Felt like they were trying too hard to be Girls-Judd-Appatow-like. And then there were very annoying close-up dialogue scenes. I don’t think this was intending to be cheesy. (Amazon)

Christmas Next Door- I gave this about 20 mins, but it just didn’t hook me. Granted, I watched this after Christmas, and by then I had had my fill of holiday romance. Even so, this just sucked.

And finally.... Bad Cheese!

Christmas Wedding Planner- For her first job, A wedding planner is working on her cousin’s Christmas wedding. She finds herself teaming up with her cousin’s ex to find dirt on the fiancée. Of course, they fall in love. Production value wasn’t bad, but the music supervisor should never be allowed to work again. The music was silly, obtrusive and often didn’t match the visual tone. There’s a lot of realism-suspension involved in watching B romance movies, but the ending of this movie called for too much. (Netflix)

Christmas with a View- Vivica Fox, Patrick Duffy, and Kaitlyn Leeb, who plays Cassandra on my favorite Canadian TV show, Heartland, star in this movie about a failed-restaurant-owner-turned- restaurant-manager who falls in love with a visiting celebrity chef looking to settle down. The potential for a successful b-holiday romance movie was there: good cast, good locations, good styling and costuming, but the writing was awful. So many incomplete scenes and conversations that went... Click here for a trailer. (Netflix)

Shadow Island Mysteries: The Last Christmas- I was a little perturbed that I actually finished this because I fell asleep the first time so I finished it a second night. So much time wasted. The fist thing that bugged me was that they used horror or edge-of-your-seat thriller music that was completely inappropriate. There was some bad editing. And overall it was cheesy in a bad way. (Amazon)

I’ll Be Homeless for Christmas- I’m actually hoarse from laughing so hard at this movie. It was the worst movie I have ever seen. The sound and editing and everything was so exceptionally bad that at less than five minutes in, I paused the movie and called my best friend to laugh with me. We ended up watching the whole 54 minutes together. Who in the hell would plan a heist to rob a homeless shelter?! Why are all the characters and extras suffering from lack of peripheral vision. Everyone’s clothes were ill-fitting. This was a hot, but entertaining-because-it was-awful mess. (Amazon)

Christmas With a Prince- Kaitlyn Leeb stars in anther sub-par holiday romance. A pediatrician is thrown off her game when she agrees to host an injured prince in her hospital ward. So many story lines were thrown in and quickly resolved it was like a 21 episode sitcom cobbled together into a 90 minute movie. Everything was a bit off: The editing, the acting, the writing, the production and costuming. Also, it was too long. There were at least two endings and the first one would have been just fine. This is produced by the same company (Brain Power Studio) that did Christmas With a View, which was also poopy.

A Firehouse Christmas- This one wasn’t all bad, but it turned into bad comedy toward the end and now it lives in Bad Cheese land. 

Holiday Cheese 2018 Marathon Part I: Good Cheese

Cheesy movies have a low production value, usually subpar acting and the storylines have a ton of holes and therefore require viewers to suspend some of their realistic expectations. I like cheesy, b-level romance and this is my 2nd cheesy holiday romance movie marathon. The bar is set low, but the cheese level is high. On my scale, Good Cheese falls onto the So Good It’s Bad side of the scale and is obviously fun for me. Bad Cheese is not fun. To read about 2018 bad cheese, click here. 

Good Cheese

Dashing Through the Snow- This Hallmark movie was about a professional crafter who misses her flight and decides to share a rental car with a handsome stranger heading in the same direction. There’s a Homeland Security twist to this story. Good production and acting, but the writing could have used some help. (DVD checked out from the library)

Desperately Seeking Santa- Starring Laura Vandervoort (Character actor and cheesy romance star) as an executive seeking to increase holiday sales at the mall she manages and earn herself a promotion. She contrives to hire a sexy Santa as a marketing campaign, but then she falls for him and finds a cause to stand up for. Good production and writing, but on-screen chemistry was at a minimal. I watched this with Amazon Prime.

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding- This Netflix production was spared no expense. It was really well done, top of the line cheese, complete with blooper-lined credits. We return to the story of Amber and King Richard of Aldovia who are getting ready to get married. Royal protocol keeps getting in the way of wedding bliss and to boot, there’s something fishy going on with Aldovia’s economy. Can Amber and Richard make thing s right? Of course! This is s cheesy romance. A happy ending is guaranteed! (Netflix)

Holiday Calendar- This movie was holiday Afrobubblegum: A movie about people of color that is fun and made little to no mention of race or class issues. A photographer stuck in a nowhere job is inspired to go for her dreams by the return of her best friend and the gift of a magical Advent calendar.  A Netflix production that was well done with a charming story that required little suspended belief. The diverse cast did a great job as well. (Netflix)

Dear Santa- This might have been the best cheesy holiday movie I’ve ever seen. A spoiled rich girl finds a dear Santa letter written by a little girl asking for love for her father. The rich girl takes it upon herself to provide. Along the way she finds herself genuinely giving of herself instead of by false pretense. It just seemed like there was relatively little need to suspend reality while watching this. As far as acting goes, everyone did a good job, even the little girl. The production was as good as a network TV movie. This might be my favorite. (Netflix)

Christmas at Holly Lodge- This was a really great holiday cheesy romance from the innovators of cheesy romance at the Hallmark Channel. And it stars Jordan Bridges, son of Beau. A winter lodge owner is in arrears when a real estate developer comes to investigate the property. He falls in love with the property and the owner she finds out his original intentions and plays silly games instead of just confronting him. a classical American romance movie. (DVD checked out from the library)

Switched for Christmas- Another Hallmark hit starring Candace Cameron-Bure as middle-aged adult twin sisters (she plays two roles... remember Full House?) who have fallen out of touch with each other, so they decide to switch lives to see how the other is living. Of course their relationship is rekindled and so is romance for the both of them. This was deliciously easy to swallow cheese! A sweet movie and with Hallmark on the production there are no complaints. (DVD checked out from the library)

A Holiday Engagement- This one also stars Jordan Bridges. A recently fired and dumped reporter hires an actor to play her fiancée to attend her family’s Thanksgiving dinner. The farce continues when she announces the wedding will be a week before Christmas! This was one of those storylines that made me had to suspend my logic, but it was cute and the writing, acting and production weren’t bad. (Netflix)

Princess Switch- So much royalty! So many switch-ups! This was a cute sweet colorful-people having, prince-charming, cake baking cheesy holiday romance. A Chicago-based baker is invited to participate in the Belgravia (fictional country) baking competition. When in Belgravia, she finds that her identical doppelgänger is a duchess betrothed to the prince of Belgravia. The decide to switch lives for a couple of days of course they fall in love with the men in the switched lives. (Netflix)

A Princess for Christmas- Starring Sam Heughan from the awesome Outlander series, this movie wins the prize for cheesiest-but-goodest. An out of work antique expert and aunt to two orphans, gets the opportunity to take her niece and nephew back to their father’s home country where they are royalty. She falls in love with their uncle, the prince, melts the icy heart of their grandfather, the duke, and befriends the staff. It started and I almost gave up because of the bad cheese, but I’m glad I stuck it out because those lumps smoothed out in about 30 mins. My only complaint is that the music sounded too synthesized. (Amazon... and I paid for it! Darn you, Heughan!)

I also watched and enjoyed Southern Christmas aka Heartland Christmas  and Christmas Town.

Movie: The Sisters Brothers (2018)****

Charlie and Eli (Joaquin Phoenix andJohn C. Reily, respectively) are two brothers and hired goons whostart this story on thin ice after a botched job they did for TheCommodore, a powerful man in the Oregon territory. Their next assignment is to work withscout, John Morris (Jake Gyllenhaal), to find Hermann Kermit Warm(Riz Ahmed). A story of the search and and whathappens after they all find each other unfolds and reveals adifferent kind of western flick. 

The audience gets to experience men exploring their relationships and desires. I think all four of the starring actors bring their a-game to their characters, and we get a sense of depth, vulnerability and commonality. The introduction or first 15 minutes of this film is a fast-paced and intensifying set-up, but then it slows down to allow this man-empowerment story to unfold.

I'm going to discuss a couple of scenes. If you are squeamish about spiders or spoilers, stop reading here.

Discussing exploring emotions often happens right before bed, so there are several bedroll scenes showing Sisters brothers sleeping out in the open. In one of them a spider crawls into poor Eli's mouth. He does not wake up. He does not pass go. He collects a fever, swelling and eventually barfs up blood and baby spiders. John C. Reilly brings about a sense of brooding vulnerability as Eli Sisters, who only desires to see the schoolteacher he left behind somewhere, go home and be treated fairly. I'm assuming the spider was a vehicle to establish Eli's vulnerability, but also Charlie's loyalty to him despite their constant bickering. That's great and all, but the spider bit was gross.

Although there was interesting relationship development between the two pairs of men, the most touching of scene was between Eli and Warm who, considering the circumstances of them coming together and the brevity of their relationship, were able to sit and have a profound and enlightening exchange.

There was a random point where I was jarred out of the story: All of a sudden, Joaquin Phoenix' character is telling a story and he appears to be in a darkened room with a natural-light spotlight. It is quite weird.

Also, production values were notably good. The soundtrack, which I spent more time noticing the second time I watched this movie, was dynamic and made each scene.

This movie ended in bittersweet contentment. It was good and I'd be happy to watch this again and again. I give it four stars**** for the great acting, the compelling story and well done art production. It definitely falls on the Masterpiece end of the scale.

TV: Yellowstone (2018) GC

Recipe: take the production level of a good Hallmark movie and use it to make a drama television series set on a Montana ranch. Then sprinkle in some f-bombs and sex scenes to give it a harder edge. Here you are, on a rustic pine platter: Yellowstone!

Yellowstone is about a family that has been the caretakers of a huge swath of Montana land for several generations and their patriarch who is trying his darndest to hold onto the power he has in the state so he can pass it on to his four children and possibly also his long-time ward turned right-hand man. Criminal behavior abounds as their grip on Montana starts to slip. The four children all go through their own private miseries and you end up wondering what the heck is John Dutton fighting for?

The acting in the first few episodes was pretty cheesy. Australian actor, Kelly Reilly, who played Beth, kept dropping her Montana accent and just overplayed the role. Kevin Costner was there. Wes Bentley was cheesy. Kelsey Asbille brought her top-notch game to the sets. She was outstanding in this cheesy crowd.

The writing was cheesy to basic. There were some flashback scenes to help explain Beth's erratic behavior, but they were oddly placed in the narrative. In the episode, A Monster Is Among Us, there seems to be (or at least I hope there was) some juxtaposition about blood in bathrooms. Gross. Oh yeah, Kevin Costner was there.

My mom told me about this show while we hiked amongst the redwoods. Like a storyteller, she recalled the storyline in A Monster Is Among Us because the terrain reminded her of the episode. Her version was much more colorful and interesting.

Something about TV shows and movies at this level of cheesy keeps me coming back for more. So I finished Yellowstone and I found it entertaining. I will give season 2 a go.

This show is cheesy, so I'm giving it a rating of Good Cheese.

Movie: Royal Matchmaker (2018) GC

Royal Matchmaker is a thoroughly cute Hallmark movie about a professional matchmaker who takes on a prince as her latest client. Of course, they fall in love.
Stars: Bethany Joy Lenz and Will Kemp
Obstacles: Tradition and a woman more befitting of a prince
Quality: All the levels are set at good: Plot, writing, art direction and acting.

I would definitely re-watch this and recommend to any fan of cheesy romance, so it gets a rating of Good Cheese.

I checked the DVD out from my local library.

Movie: Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018)***

Can You Every Forgive Me? is an enjoyable movie with Melissa McCarthy playing a very believable and funny-by-happenstance woman who finds herself forging letters by famous authors.

All the levels are set at good: Good acting, good production, good writing, etc. Melissa McCarthy and her co-star, Richard E. Grant were both nominated for best actress and supporting actor respectively at the Oscars, Golden Globes and SAG Awards. After finally watching CYEFM?, I am surprised they were nominated because there wasn’t anything great or inspiring about this film. My suspicion is that voting committees were impressed by McCarthy’s non-comedy performance, which was good, but not award worthy.  

I would watch this again and would recommend it, but I don’t think it offers anything spectacular to the cinematic world so I’m giving it three stars***.

Mini rant: Vice, Green Book, I, Tonya, Get Out, Lady Bird, Birdman, Her, American Hustle were all nominated for Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy. Can You Ever Forgive Me?  gets nominated for Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture – Drama. What the hell is that about? 

I checked the DVD out from my local library. 

Movie: Mary, Queen of Scots (2018)***

Mary Queen of Scots tells the story of what happened to Mary after she return to Scotland to claim her throne and how her relationship with her cousin, Queen Elizabeth came to its fatal end. 

I thought Saoirse Ronan and Margot Robie were excellent in their respective roles. I’m usually fascinated by the styling and productions of British period films and this was no exception. The story felt slow towards the middle, but finished with a punch. Also, it doesn’t help that I’m all agog when it comes to the Scottish accent. Thank you, Outlander, for your influence!

You really get a sense of the ridiculous crap that Mary went through, some of it based on bad decision making on her own part, but a lot of it based on men steering the queens in both camps. Mary was ripped to shreds by the men in her life, and Elizabeth managed to avoid some of the same unwanted control. There was some artistic licenses taken when creating this story of the two queens, but I found in this film that both queens dealt with their own share of sadness and helplessness in each of their predicaments. 

I can’t wait to read the book this was based on Queen of Scots: The True Life of Mary Stuart by John Guy. For now, I’ll give this movie three stars***. I enjoyed it and I wouldn’t mind watching it again. 

Blindspotting (2018)****(*)

Blindspotting is a modern buddy movie that is set against the backdrop of a changing Oakland. What is less obvious, but still ever poignant, is that the two main characters, Collin and Miles, are changing too. The fast-paced story takes place over three days, but includes appropriate flashbacks. 

It doesn’t seem to take much, but you get a good sense of the people involved. The real-life friendship between the actors, Daveed Diggs and Rafael Casal comes through, as well as they’re lyrical-wordsmithing skills. Actors Janina Gavankar and Jasmine Cephas Jones, who play respective love interests to Collin and Miles, add to the weight of the story and the authenticity of the film. By the end you get a better sense why they have to and how they are going to change. 

Stylistically, this film seems simple: Big block text, what look like basic camera techniques, existing locations, but this movie is not simple or basic. There are so many deep, thought-provoking themes and imagery throughout mixed in with funny buddy situations, making this film complex, amusing, serious, sobering and amazing. 

I watched this movie twice. It set a little deeper the second time, it made me laugh more and made me a bit more worried, but at the same time hopeful for the world. 

I give this movie four stars**** on the Cinematic Masterpiece side of the scale. I want to watch this again and again. I want to talk about it. It just might be one of my favorites, but I'll only know with time. I’m sorry I didn’t get to support this movie in theaters. 

I checked the DVD out from my local library.

Addendum March 4, 2019: This gets bumped up to five stars*****. I've been talking about it for the past few days and I've come to the conclusion that I love this movie. Done. 

Movie: Happytime Murders (2018)*

Happytime Murders takes place in a world where puppets and humans live side by side. A group of puppet actors who starred in a sitcom are being murdered and a former-cop-turned-private-eye puppet detective and his former human partner team up to find out whodunit.
The potential for an awesome story is great, but the stupid and not funny comedy made it difficult to watch. Melissa McCarthy was not funny.
I'm pretty sure I heard a podcast story years ago about puppet murders and I thought it really entertaining and I wanted more. When I heard about this movie, I thought they finally expanded on that podcast and I got excited. This was not the same as the podcast. Nope. This sucked.
I did not like this movie and it was not fun. It gets one star*.
I checked this DVD out from my local library.
This 9 minute video is funnier than the entire Happytime Movie:

Movie: Isle of Dogs (2018)**

Isle of Dogs is a stop-motion animated movie by Wes Anderson that essentially comes down to the relationship of a boy searching for his best friend, his dog. This movie started off visually dull and slow in its story blooming, so much so that I started to lose interest, think about other things, and eventually I fell asleep. The next night I picked up where I left off, from what was labeled as part 3, and that to the end was more exciting, but only compared to first half.
I'm not huge on animation, and I find that Wes Anderson is sometimes too quirky for my taste. For that reason, Isle of Dogs gets two stars**. I don't really care if I see this, again, and in fact, if I want to see a touching relationship between a child and their pet, I'd watch Okja.

Movie: Colette (2018)***

Colette is a joli film about the real-life writing career of Colette, a famous turn-of-the-century multi-talented writer and stage artist. If you didn't know this was based on a true story, its about a young woman who marries a family friend and becomes his ghost writer and together they create a bestselling series of books, but alas, he does not want to give her credit. What a shame.

The production of this film is beautiful: Stunning locations! I gawked and drooled at all the wallpaper. I’m kind of a home and garden fanatic in my middle age. The costuming and styling was rich and detailed.

The story was interesting, but combined with the direction and action it lacked depth. I feel that way about a lot of biopics: they try to fit too much into the film, but I would much prefer they just dive in deep on a certain time period in the person's life.

The music was good, too: Listening to and then checking the stats afterwards, I'm glad to see that the majority of the soundtrack was mostly time period music with some original work and imaginative arrangements by Thomas Ades.

Although the characters were French, this film is acted by mostly British actors, and I love the British. I enjoyed the performances of Kiera Knightly and Dominic West. I have never seen any of the director, Wash Westmoreland's other films so I cannot compare.

I could watch this again because it was enjoyable and a feast for my eyes, but I don't see myself every buying it or seeking it out. It falls on the Cinematic Masterpiece end of the scale and gets a standard good, or three stars***.

I checked this DVD out from my local library.